Well it's been a rough week. Ellie's been coming out a lot and we found out she's the one whose been cutting. Apparently she talked to the roomie and said she's not going to cut anymore because it isn't pretty.
I wrote a letter this morning and cried my eyes out for a long time about some stuff that happened in the past, I needed someplace to share it so I thought, since I'm anonymous on here, this site will do just fine..

Youve hurt me in a lot of ways...and one of the biggest ways you hurt me is the fact that you dont acknowledge that you ever hurt me in the first place. Ive in turn, tried to not acknowledge this fact as well. Everyone knows what kind of person you really are, and I don't feel like it's very fair for MY mask to be slipping without yours slipping as well. I dont feel connected to you at all...I haven't for a very long time. Part of me feels like we lost that connection years ago, in some strange foreign mess of memory that stands the test of time, never leaving, always there in the back of my mind. You're like a tree that never loses its leaves, but the colors still change all the same. You fit your own personal seasons.

Why am I crying as I write this? Maybe you can tell me, though I know you never will.
What happened to me Daddy? Why am I now alone and lost? can I ever be found? was i even here in the first place? WHY do my ears keep ringing and WHY does my heart go on singing when it wants to wallow in the despair of a young lost girls clamoring arms trying to break free from a grasp that felt so imminent for so long.
Never daring to TRULY speak up, never daring to really dig deep and uncover things lost and now gone away.
Tattered paper planes, doll houses that were never built, never found their way back to me. How was I supposed to know what love was when you never showed me in the right way? How was I supposed to force myself to keep my
head high in hopes that I could do EVERYTHING I could to just appear worthy of a look into your eyes...a look I now think on with fear, confusion, worry, doubt, all the things I hate about myself, I see directly in you. WHY?!
How come things can't just be simple? Why can't people just be honest here? Why does this whole damn thing feel like such a 3 ring circus that does nothing but keep my head spinning....spin spin spin here we go again, down the
rabbit hole, I feel a pulling on my soul. Where do we go from here? Who knows? Just thought I would put this down on paper, so whoever may read...may know...

 im allowed to write now. im no longer a raggedy ann doll being tossed aside as a play thing or a trinket to displayon your wall...

your insurmountable wall with all your "things." im not one of your things. not anymore.  your "things" are all you know.

 
i feel sorry for you...sorry for your things..

We're healing slowly...one day at a time. This is Samantha, I'm out a lot of the time. Most people never know it's me, but I don't really mind. I'm sure they have some idea that things arent what they seem whenever Julia's back and can't seem to remember things all too well. Sucks it has to be this way for now, but stability's needed in the system and there's things going on right now that I'm far better equipped to handle than Julia.  Anyway, just thought I would introduce myself on here...I don't have to hide on here.

 

 

 

Well here goes my first post. It's early in the morning here and I just wish I could go back to sleep. And not just sleep...I crave and long for REAL REST. Tossing and turning nightmares all crawling through me just never stop. I take a medication thats supposed to help with sleep and nightmares, but its barely working if it even is at all. I joined a new support group for abuse survivors but I feel a little out of place because some of the things I experience are much different...but! on a positive note, i found a few other people on the group who dissociate and lose time as well, so we can talk and relate which is cool.
  Havent talked about DID or anything, but I dont think I really need to because theyve helped me whether they know or not. I dont think its healthy to focus on a diagnosis. I rather focus on my symptoms, and how I can manage them. Things had been getting better since I moved from an unhealthy environment, but now I feel like I'm just hanging on by a thread and I just have to TRY to make it to the next day. I'm afraid I'm going to end up in the hospital. I'm scared I'm going to lose myself in my head....I'm terrified of thinking that if I let my guard down, someones going to come out and hurt me. Ive hurt enough. These memories coming to the surface feel like too much, and theyre not even whole memories, just bits and pieces. how many times do we have to face this, talk about this, express this, live this? I feel like if people knew what's really going on inside, and that I'm struggling every moment to keep things inside from breaking free and tornadoing my life up, i would collapse and shatter, again, my mask is fading...where are the others? oh, hats too? my my, lets just have a costume party shall we? fuck. stay hidden, dont tell, keep your secrets well, thats one of the keys...but the locks already broken. wait! when did this happen?? should i go in? not today. not today....

so many keys are broken or out of tune anyway