I really dont know what to do. I'm feeling scared. These body memories are too much and i feel like im being swallowed whole. i woke up so late today (which has been happening a lot lately) but id forgotten i was up really early in the morning crying and holding my stuffed rabbit and tossing back and forth. im pretty sure it was Janie i was co conscious with. i could feel everything she was feeling. i couldnt see clearly but i could feel physical pain, emotional torment, and such shame that i just wished so bad i could have broken free to protect her. im trying to really hold myself together. i keep getting these feelings of such ANGER and then sadness, pure grief.

Scattered Parts

Broken hearts, divided parts, they all live inside of me.

How many times can they divide my mind?

Broken hearts with divided parts scattered throughout my mind.

How many times can they wipe me out before I come back no more?

Can they instill a will in me that is not mine?

They broke my heart too many times and divided all the parts, then scattered them through time. Some are good and some are evil.

How many times can they split my mind?

The lights, needles and pain went on much longer than we can explain.

Did these things happen, or is it what they wanted me to believe?

Does God exist or is it what I want to believe?

Does the store house exist where the computer is?

Are there computers in me that help split me?

Scattered parts, broken hearts, where do I exist?

Is there a castle built inside? If so, what person am I?

Lights, needles, and pain goes on today, or is it lies that are made up in a mind split far too many times.

Broken hearts, divided minds, scattered throughout time.

I don’t want to mislead you.

Did the experiments work?

And they split me too many times?

Lights, needles, and pain.

They can wipe me out if I try to explain. Butterflies, butterflies, lots and lots of them. I lay down at nights with them.

I wrap up in a blanket made of them. I hear their hum as they lead me to the lights, needles and pain. The needles and pain make it so I can not think.

I get so sleepy, but I can not sleep.

The pain races through my mind and splits it one more time.

I have forgotten more than most will ever know.

The computer will show how many times they can split the mind, break the heart; divided minds scattered throughout time.

How many times before I can come back no more?

I found this on a blog I was reading earlier and I really liked it. I remember when a select few members of my family would say that we were "faking it." And a lot of people out there don't even think DID is real. It's very real though, and its no where near as rare as people think. 1% of people are affected by DID, so that means about 68 MILLION people have it. We're not as alone as we think.

D.I.D & Recovery: You're doing it wrong!

“You can’t have D.I.D because those “alters” aren’t human”
“Your system is too small/large”
“You can’t have D.I.D because you talk about it openly”
“You can’t have D.I.D because the way you say it is for you isn’t like it is on TV”
YOU DON’T HAVE D.I.D BECAUSE YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!
Identity, according to dictionary.com, is the condition of being oneself… and not another; the sense of self. Why then wouldn’t Dissociative Identity Disorder be different for everyone? Although people share many similarities, no two people (not even identical twins!) are exactly the same, nor do any two people have the same identity.
Even if two people go through exactly the same trauma and experience exactly the same things at exactly the same time, the impact of those events will not be the same, the way they cope and the way they deal with it will always be different. That is why no two systems are the same. That is why there are no set rules for D.I.D. If someone needed 2 dragons, a cat and a purple blade of grass to help them survive who are you to judge them, to say that that was the wrong way to survive?!
I am constantly amazed by people who feel that they have the ability, the qualification, the right to tell people that their D.I.D is wrong. That someone else is faking – especially when they were not there, and do not know the full story of what that person experienced and survived.

Even when people accept that someone has D.I.D, they usually then criticise their recovery goals. Again, who are you to decide how someone else should recover?! There is nothing wrong with giving advice to someone, but there is a very, very big difference between advice and criticism. At the end of the day, you will not have to live that persons’ life, or deal with the consequences of their decisions, so why should their recovery choices be any of your business?

if there was one wish i could make...it would be for no one to ever have to ever experience abuse. i was thinking the other day, if most abusers have been abused themselves, then who was the original abuser?
IM SCARED TO DEATH that im going to end up an abuser!!
i wish every little girl and boy could grow up safe, with food clothing shelter and loving parents. i wish that every abuse could be brought to light for the whole world to see! So much is hidden. Even in nice outwardly loving and perfect homes seemingly refined by every luxury while encased in dogmatic moralistic beliefs, monsters still lurk, typically in plain view and site for all to see, most just chose (conciously or not) to not acknowledge such monsters.monsters need to be exposed. but what about the monsters in me? the monsters inside of all of us?
These monsters must be faced head on, with courage, and with the armour of Love. 
All things in due time will be revealed as they need be...no sooner, no later.